For over two decades one of my foundational ideas about human suffering has been, and still is, this;
“Distance is what gives us perspective, insight and makes us appreciate beauty from afar. This is how I understand people who say that time heals all wounds.”
This page will link into articles on my website for deeper understanding of each topic, metaphor, allegory or method mentioned here. Where possible I will provide references to literature or studies by professionals.
Suffering
Skills you can learn here;
- identify suffering
- distinguish different types of suffering
- understand that suffering is not your identity
To experience as little suffering as possible and as much well-being as possible is a good goal to have in life. Not an easy one, but a goal that you can work on in very small and very large increments or steps. What is human suffering? The AI which I use is called “Lumo+” and it is an adorable cat, Lumo defines human suffering as follows;
Human suffering refers to the experience of physical, emotional, psychological, or existential distress that arises when an individual perceives a threat to—or loss of—something essential to their well‑being.
Of course this is a general definition. You can experience suffering in many ways like; physical, emotional, psychological, social, existential or religious/spiritual. In this article we will go deeper into different types of suffering*.I feel and think that perspective and words matter a lot, so the words and images we choose to create our inner world determines the value we give to life, our lives. I love my painful memories just as much as my loving memories, I cradle them equally and try to let them teach me new ways to go forward.
Things are what they are, nothing more, nothing less.
Emotional regulation
Skills you can learn here;
- relativize
- regulate
- contextualize
- body awareness
- breath work
To keep matters in perspective I do say to myself certain things to be aware of the suffering of others and that the degree of discomfort which I experience stands not in comparison with that of many others. At the same time however I think it is very important to be aware of self, the importance of self. And that even those thoughts to keep perspective should not prevent an individual from taking their own reality, their world, dreams, hopes, emotions and life experience seriously.
We are who we are, and our primary responsibility is to our own well-being. Everything we experience in life feels to us just as important as we want to make it, but this principle works both ways. Giving lower value to our own emotions than realistically would be required by the reality we live in means disrespecting our own life experience at that time in life. Finding the balance between how serious an event or experience is and the amount of emotional response required is not an easy task, although very important.
It is that balance which frees our minds from doubt and twisted images of self or low self esteem.
Weakness
Skills you can learn here;
- the meaning of weakness
- boundaries
- assertivity
- occypying your space
- holding the space for others
- thriving with discomfort
I smiled when someone once told me how old emotions wait inside, hiding for moments of ‘weakness’, so they can rise again and cause discomfort.
Does it mean we are weak when we experience discomfort?
Are we as people weak when we get hurt?
Is feeling or showing our emotions a form of weakness?
I would say “No”. Not even a firm and loud spoken “No”. Just a soft spoken and well considered ‘no’. To be vulnerable, to show and not hide, to live and not die (metaphorically), to speak and not hold silence, there is strength in all those things. There is no weakness there, only strength. Weakness to me equals not acting, keeping silence out of fear for what needs to be said, denying ourselves, to aim our eyes to the ground while we know we have the right to stand proud for whatever we might be in life. Denying the truth of our existence, this I could call weakness.
It happens when we do not regulate our emotions and thoughts but when we let them control us. This is not weakness, unfortunately it is in my opinion mainly a result of our social construct about how we deal with life. I hope you can find some comfort in the knowing that you can decide to be in control, everyone can decide this and gain this control through practice. Every person can learn to deal with everything that lingers in their emotional memory, to say what needs to be said and to treat themselves with the dignity they deserve.
Forgiveness
Skills you can learn here;
- how to forgive
- when to forgive
- difference between forgiving and letting go
- to view forgiveness integrated with apologizing
This is probably one of the most difficult topics to become good at, because to practice it, a lot needs to happen with you, unfortunately. When we read the word ‘forgiveness’, maybe we think about very big topics right away, but that is not necessary. There will be a long conversation on saying sorry and apologising, what it means to forgive or be forgiven and how do you apologize actually?
Let’s think about it now as two different types of forgiveness. One is the way forgiveness works when someone did something against our values, which crossed our boundaries in some way. The other is where this happened as well, but there is no path forward possible with the antagonist, the offender. Then the only choice we have is to forgive, not because they deserve to be forgiven, but because you deserve to let go and be free of them.
Crying
Skills you can learn here;
- know why we cry
- accept that we cry
- regulate when we cry
Crying is not a behaviour unique to humans. Animals cry too. That is because first and foremost crying is a way for the body to take care of the eyes. For example when the air is dry, there is a lot of dust in the air or like the tears we get when it is very cold outside.
When it comes to emotional crying this becomes more complicated. Only for elephants and certain primates as well as some dogs do we think there is evidence that they cry when experiencing emotions as well. When we cry our brain actually produces hormones that help with regulating pain which suggests a relation between our bodies regulating the experience of suffering and crying.
Humans cry for many different reasons, some we like, some we do not like, but all of them are human and normal. So when you find yourself stopping, hiding your tears, this is an unhealthy choice in almost every situation. Sometimes, to keep a cool head and deal with a situation, we need to suspend experiencing how we feel. Think about someone who works as a trauma medic on an ambulance or a violinist performing before a large audience for the first time. As long as we allow ourselves to feel and let our emotions flow when we can and there is time, it will be alright.
There is a deep power in tears, let them flow, feed them, drink water. Never fear your tears, because when the sad, angry, hateful, spiteful and indifferent tears have all been cried, then there will be a place where tears can flow because of joy, beauty and love.
Time
Skills you can learn here;
- why timekeeping matters
- when timekeeping matters
- what (does) can time mean for you
Back to what we started with, time and distance. Which sometimes can mean physical distance by moving to another neighbourhood, city or country, however this can also be trap. Are you running away or using distance to evaluate, understand, consider, weigh responsibility or accountability and reengage or to avoid even starting any process with yourself?
Of course here there are also exceptions like in any situation. If you experience abuse, violence of any kind then distance is a very useful tool. Often, unfortunately, we also see silence from survivors, that is a tool of the offender, so they can keep repeating their behaviour towards you or someone else. Breaking that silence is essential, here are resources to find someone who listens.
The importance of time is not what has happened or what could have happened. There is only here and now and the question what you will do with the time that has been given to you.
What will you do?